This is a bit off from my typical blogs which touch upon freedom directly but I believe it is still vitally important. I believe that the family is the basis of any culture and to destroy the family is to destroy the culture and conversely the nation. We need strong families and strong marriages.
I recently saw a blog titled "10 Marriage tips every Wife needs to hear." (http://eighthrising.wordpress.com/2013/10/28/10-marriage-tips-every-wife-needs-to-hear/)I think it was a good message and quite accurate. The author does admit that she has been divorced twice and is in her third marriage. I don't mean to detract from her as I fully agree. I would like to take what she's said and modify it to be more inclusive of both sides. I also would like to add that this is from my personal experience of over 22 years married to the same woman. I have not ever been divorced and I am happy to say that while not perfect we are doing well and things are quite promising. These are lessons that we learned along the way and have profited from. I readily admit that I have copied much of what she posted as there is so much truth in it. I have also modified it some and added my words.
- Respect your spouse. - Notice how it doesn’t say “Respect your spouse if he/she has earned it”. A person's greatest need in this world is to be respected, and the person he/she desires that respect from the most is his/her spouse. The trap that we’ve all been ensnared by is that they only deserve our respect when they earn it. Yes, we want our spouses to make decisions that will ultimately garner our respect, but the truth is that your spouse is a human being. A human being who makes mistakes. This is the person that YOU have chosen to walk alongside you for the rest of your existence, and to your partner in leading your family and he/she needs to be respected for that quality alone. When respect is given even when he or she doesn’t seem to deserve it, it will motivate your spouse to earn it. That doesn’t mean you pretend that the choices are good ones when they aren’t. Things like that still need to be communicated, but you can flesh out your differences WITH RESPECT. It makes all the difference in the world.
- Guard your heart. - The grass is not greener on the other side. Do not believe the lie that with a slimmer figure, a younger individual, a better housekeeper, a better cook, a higher salary, a faster car, or a bigger house, you will be a happier spouse. I once had a friend (he had a beautiful model wife of his own) who posted a picture of the current glamor model on his office with a caption "Somewhere there is a guy calling her a 'b****'" Everyone has their flaws, at least with the spouse you have you already know their flaws and they know yours. Live the life you’ve been blessed with, and BE THANKFUL for what you have. Guard your heart from things and people that will try to convince you that your life or your spouse is not good enough. There will always be bigger, faster, stronger, or shinier, prettier, younger, better... – but you’ll never be satisfied with more until you’re fulfilled with what you have now.
- God, husband, kids…in that order. - This isn’t a popular philosophy, especially among mothers, but hear me out. It’s no secret that my faith is of utmost importance, so God comes first in my life no matter what and my wife agrees on this point too. But regardless of your belief system, your spouse should come before your kids. I have seen far to many marriages that have fallen apart because one or both spouses place their children before the marriage, immature children will sense this and take advantage of it driving a wedge between the parents not knowing the damage they are doing. Now unless you’re married to someone who is abusive (in which case, I urge you to seek help immediately), no one in his/her right mind would ask you to put your kids aside to serve their every need while neglecting them. That’s not what this means. When you board an airplane, the flight attendants are required to go over emergency preparedness prior to takeoff. When explaining the part about how to operate the oxygen mask, passengers are instructed to first put the mask on themselves before putting it on their small child. Is that because they think you are more important than your kids? Absolutely not. But you cannot effectively help your child if you can’t breathe yourself. The same holds true with marriage and parenting. You cannot effectively parent your children if your marriage is falling apart. Many studies have repeatedly proven that the best and healthiest environment for kids is in a loving home where the parents show true love and respect for each other. There will also come a time when your kids will leave the house to pursue their dreams as adults. If you have not cultivated a lasting relationship with your spouse, you will have both empty nests and empty hearts.
- Forgive. - No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. If you make forgiveness a habit – for everything from major mistakes to little annoyances – you will keep resentment from growing. My grandfather could never forgive anyone for anything. I remember visiting him once when I was about 7 and I still remember how longly and pitiful he was. If you can't forgive it doesn't matter who you are married to as that person will never measure up.
- Communicate, communicate, communicate. - This is one thing that I stumbled across early on in my marriage. I have come to learn that it is probably close to the number one concept for a successful marriage. I quickly learned that spouses can usually work though any issue as long as they are communicating. Notice I didn't say "talking" but communicating. What often appears big is frequently found to be small issues when you discuss them with your spouse. Between spouses there should be absolutely no secrets. Secrets are a cancer in marriages. Let your spouse know (respectfully) how you feel and what you think and then respect his/her point of view. Communicating doesn't always mean agreeing on things, only that you are discussing the issues and problems. Sometimes agreement isn't that important. It is also important to discuss dreams, philosophies and beliefs. This communication really should start early on in the dating process and then pick up as you get married and then continue throughout the life. Communications also should lead to the next point.
- Date your spouse, regularly. - This one isn’t new, but it’s very important. Never stop dating your spouse. Even if you can’t afford dinner and a movie (which we seldom can), spending some regular one-on-one time with your spouse is essential. Don’t talk about bills, or schedules, or the kids; take time out of your life to talk dreams and desires. Due to my work schedule I don't always get to set a scheduled day of the week or time to date my wife, but sometimes have to make it in a trip to the store or just a quick drive out 'somewhere' away from the house. When we date prior to marriage we are putting forward our best image as a means of enticing the other person to take an interest in us. After marriage we should continue to do this, granted our spouse has probably figure out that we don't always put our dirty clothes in the hamper or that we squeeze the toothpaste in the middle, but we should still try to treat him/her as the one we want to woo, again and again. You'd be amazed at how well it works to make our spouse feel important and loved.
- Never say the “D Word”. - Personally I hate divorce. Years ago I worked law enforcement and had the experience of working for a time in the courts. At times I would have to serve in the Civil Court where divorces were done. For me that was the worst duty I could pull. The nastiness of the participants (on both sides) and the cruelty that I saw was discouraging. I recognize that there are times where it is warranted but far too often people give up far to easily instead of toughing it out and working on the problems. True love only comes as we struggle together and work through our problems and issues, when we learn to unselfishly accept our spouse and all their imperfections as we recognize that they have done the same with us. I also do not believe in "pre-nuptuals" as I see them as a prewritten divorce. Why start out your marriage with a built in contract to end it. That's nothing more than planning to fail.
- Learn his love language. - Gary Chapman wrote a great book describing peoples love languages. Everyone has a love language. The way you perceive love is often different from the way your spouse perceives love. Does he/she like words of affirmation, or does they respond better when you give gifts? Or perhaps spending time with your spouse. Whatever your spouses love language is – learn it and use it on them. You may also want to help your spouse learn your love language, but that goes back to communicating.
- Never talk negatively about your spouse. - Talking negative only sows the seeds of friction and dissent and will drive a wedge between you and your spouse. If you’re going through a difficult time in your marriage and you need advice, see a counselor or someone qualified to help you. Family counseling can be a great tool, but try to remember that your family members and friends are not the most objective people to give advice. They have their bias views and observations. Often they may not be much better in their relationships and thus not qualified with good positive experience to advise you. While friends and family members may have good advice and experience I would be wary of taking advice from anyone who hasn't had great success already. Would you take investing advice from a pauper or from a millionaire? Protect the image of your spouse with those that you’re close with and seek help from those that can actually be objective and have positive advice. You should always defend your spouse. This doesn't mean that you support any decision that may be bad or wrong, but you should always stand up for your spouse.
- Choose to love. - I have found that love is not a feeling, it's not a noun or adjective but a verb. It's a choice. You chose to marry your spouse, choose to love them. I once saw a study that identified a chemical that was released (pheromones) when people married. The study found that this chemical was released by the newly weds for the first few years of the marriage. The study then went on to document that it gradually decreased by about the fifth year. This coincided with the increase of conflicts in marriages and consequently by the seventh year a marked up tic in divorces (thus scientifically proving the "seven year itch"). For relationships based upon other than respect and love you can expect greater stress and a greater risk of failure. Choosing to love and then communicating and working through your issues and problems will in the end provide greater satisfaction and happiness.
- Leave your parents and cleave to your spouse and none other. - This point has been made to some degree before, but I'd like to touch on it as it's own. There are times that parents or others may be involved in your marriage. This is never a good thing. Whether yours or your spouses parents agree with your marriage is immaterial. Parents, siblings or others who meddle in your marriage are in my opinion at risk of being called into question by God. Don't do it to others and don't let others do it to you, no matter how "meaningful" they may think they are or they may appear. Friends, family or neighbors need to mind their own business. Thus leave them all behind when it comes to marriage and your relationship with your spouse and cleave unto your spouse and none other (yes that can also mean the "ladies club, the "football game" or anything else that might come between you).
- Be equal in everything. - Well common sense tells us that no one is really equal. We all have talents, gifts and skills that others don't have. However, you should always treat your spouse as an equal partner in the relationship. In the Bible it refers to Eve as an "help-meet" not as a master nor a slave to Adam. The wife generally has different responsibilities and duties in a marriage than the husband but this does not make one or the other less in the marriage. They are both equal partners and have equal say. Yes often the husband is called the "leader" in the family but realize that a true leader is not a dictator but a servant. A true leader leads by example and love, showing the way not commanding the way. It has been my experience that my wife often is ahead of me in many things, however she never steps on my responsibilities or duties, but encourages me to take the lead where I am supposed to. Men and women are made differently, physically as well as emotionally, mentally and other ways. However this does not make either any better than the other, but that together they make a whole. Think of two pieces of a puzzle that fit together, while they are different they together make a picture that neither can do alone, nor does it work to use two of the same pieces as they don't properly fit together nor give a complete picture.
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