Drowning

This is an essay I wrote some months back.  I hope it causes other to think.  

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DROWNING:

I’m at the bottom of a swimming pool and I’m drowning. Drowning isn’t so difficult, it’s rather easy, all you have to do is relax and give into it.  The water is deep but not so that I can’t see the sky above.  There are people around the edges.  Some are pointing and talking about me.  Some seem to be laughing at me.   A few are trying to reach down to pull me out but it’s too far. 

Time seems to stretch on forever and yet seems so short as I contemplate where I am and what I should do.  It would be all too easy to just let go, give in and drown.  There really doesn’t seem to be much pain in that course, it would be all over and I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore, or anything else for that matter.  And yet there are those trying to reach down to pull me out.  Why?  Why would anyone care if I drowned?  Does it really matter?  What is it that they are offering me there above? Out in the air?  Difficulty?  Trials? Pain?  Why should I even try?  I know they can’t reach me, they can’t pull me out…  unless I reach out to them.  It’s my choice.

It seems as if I’ve been down here for so long, most of my life, forever.  And yet, it’s but a short moment.  I feel like I can take forever to make my choice, but time is running out. I will have to decide soon if I want to reach out to those who wish to aid me.  I don’t want to reach out.  The water is warm and inviting.  “Just relax and submit,” it tells me.  Why can’t I give up that easily?  I know it’s going to be painful coming out.  I can sense the discomfort of when the air will hit me and the struggles I’ll have to make to rise out of the pool.  It’s going to hurt; a lot.  It’s my choice.

I stretch my hand out, up and towards those who would rescue me. It’s a long reach and the water is resisting me, calling to me to just give in.  The water’s telling me that it’s easier to just relax and let it go.  But I can’t I have to try, and I do.  I start to kick towards the surface, it’s tiring but I must do it; or else I’ll drown.  After what seems to be an eternity I start to get close to the surface.  I’m about to break free of the water and once again take a breath of air. 

I move with increasing speed towards the surface as those who reached out to me appear to be offering encouragement.  I can almost hear them cheering me on; telling me I can do it, just a little further and I’ll be free.  At the same time I see those who were mocking me before are also increasing their efforts.  I can hear their chidings in my mind, telling me it’s not worth it, that I can’t do it, that I’m not good enough to make it.  I kick harder. 

I am about to break through surface when I am suddenly stopped.  My body slams against what seems to be a solid surface.  Just when I think I’m going to break free.  Is it ice? Glass? Or something else that keeps me trapped below to drown?  The mockers above are laughing all the harder.  “I told you it’s impossible for someone like you to get out” they are saying.  Yet the few supporters are screaming all the harder that I can make it.  Some have even jumped onto the surface and are trying to chip away at it and help me through.  I realize that it is futile for them, that nothing they do will free me.  It’s up to me.  I have to press on, to push through and take their hands. 

The water beckons to me again to relent and accept my fate.  Once again the soft lulling of the warm water calls to me to succumb and give in.  The surface is so hard and difficult to break through.  Didn’t I try after all?  Wasn’t my effort good enough that I can now relent to the waters and drown?  I am torn.  It seems so hard to break through, so easy to drown.  But I can see the clear sky above.  It’s beautiful.  Those above who wish to aid me are frantically trying to help me.  “You can do it, it’s only a little more.”  “It’s worth it.”  It’s my choice.

Suddenly the water seems to be stifling and constricting instead of warm and inviting.  It’s closing in around me and dragging me down.  I want out.  I kick harder, I bang on the surface trying to break free.  I want air all the more, even with its pain and suffering.  I want to live.  I kick and hit the surface and after a bit I start to see a crack.  The crack tries to hide itself from me but I see it and I grasp at it.  It encourages me on.  I hit harder and the crack grows.  Soon it starts to break up.  My helpers above can now help move the pieces of the surface out of the way as I continue to enlarge the hole I’ve made.  I’m breaking free. 

My head breaks through the surface and I take my first real breath of air in what seems an eternity.  It burns my lungs.  The pain is strong but also the joy overwhelming.  I struggle to climb out of my watery trap and my helpers work to pull me out.  The water doesn’t give up so easily and tries to drag me down.  As I climb free the waters reluctantly give up their hold on me and fall back. 

I am free of my bondage.  I can breathe air once again.  I can move without resistance.  The air fills my lungs, no longer burning, but strengthening me and giving me energy.  Joy begins to fill my heart as I realize what I have achieved and what I have gained.  I am finally FREE! 

I begin to relish what I now have.  Those who mocked me move away.  They can’t look me in the eyes.  Their sideward glances are filled with distain and condescension.  Those that aided me are congratulating me and helping me dry off.  I see others who are calling below the waters as if they were encouraging others to rise up.  Others are also mocking below.  Looking below there are many others in the waters as well.  Trapped below.  Some have given up and drowned.  Some are struggling to break free.  Some, after a struggle, have given up and slipped once again to the depths.  Still others are banging away at the surface trying to break through as I had done.  Others are being assisted out of the waters by helpers. 

I see a few who seem to be struggling on their own to rise to the surface and break through.  No helpers appear to be near.  When they break through, the mockers try to push them back down.  Most of these fight through anyway.  Once they start their climb out helpers are quick to assist them.  

I look about, my heart fills with the joy of my triumph and the freedom I have gained.  I still feel the pain and suffering.  But the joy overwhelms it and makes it all the more bearable.  I begin to desire for others what I have gained!  To share in it. I look below at those who are trapped.  I start to call to them.  To family and friends who are struggling below.  And then to those I don’t know. Eventually as some reach the surface and start to break through I try as I can to move away the surface pieces and help them out.  I am frustrated that I can’t reach below the surface as I want so desperately to help everyone out of that watery grave.  I must relent to the fact that some choose to remain there in the waters. 

My heart leaps with joy at each one that reaches the surface and breaks free.  My whole being becomes devoted to aiding those below to rise up and live.

To triumph over the waters of mediocrity and to breath the air of freedom is something that few have ever known, and many fail to recognize when they experience it.  I have drowned.  Now, I wish to live.  I am struggling to break through.  I’m bursting to share it with all I can.